Mom is home now, she wound up leaving early since she decided to split the return drive into 2 days. I don't mind though. I ran out of things to do with her. Its not tourist season so most of the nifty things in the area are closed... what remains doesn't interest her. Still the drive down to the coast was pretty cool and she liked seeing the tides at the Bay of Fundy. I got a wee bit stressed over her driving... she's overly cautious and has a terrible sense of direction.
But thats over now.
Its odd that we didn't really talk much. We've never connected before, so I suppose I should be cooncerned. We did talk about Collin & Kristen as well as Richard. I think she would like for Collin & I to reconnect with Richard someday. I told her that I made all the attempts I was going to back in Boston, its now up to him to reestablish the connection with his kids... not me.
I read my weekly dose of comics this week and got a tad depressed by one of them. This guy has had tonnes of shit dumped on him all his life, he reacts with anger now sense he's so used to it. But then he finds a team and starts to be more "human". But he screws up... big time. He knows it and continues to punish himself for it. He wants the team, his new family, to like him... but he also thinks he's not worthy of it.
Stories like that I can identify with. I want acceptance but I've been shoved around so much that I tend to shy away from those who might really care for me. Sometimes I wonder why Master keeps me around. He'll be mad at me for this, but its true. I wonder what I have done to earn his love... cuz I can't think of it. There I times I know he hates me, that he is disappointed in me, that he wishes I hadn't latched on to him.
I haven't always done the right thing.
Master says he'll never hit me... that thats abuse not SM. I guess I'm just used to it. I guess I also see it as a form of caring. If he cared whether or not I did my assigned chores. Its like how my Mom wa sin high school... she didn't give a damn if I got As or Ds. She was too busy with other crap. No wonder I almost flunked out... wheres the motivation? It should come from me... but I guess I just don't have any. Maybe I am just asking for a beating. I haven't lost that desire... which is bit odd... normally these self-destructive periods last a week or two. This one seems to be going on 1 month now. Maybe I see pain as cathartic. I wonder about my emtional state sometimes. Its not like this gets in my way... I can still function. I don't feel like hurting anyone else. I don't feel like killing myself. I just want a little pain.
Anyways, I know I won't get it from Master... I'll just have to ride it out. Maybe my fantasies will tide me over. They're gotten very rough as of late. I find it odd that they make me so hard when I don't think I would do those types of things in reality. I guess thats why we call them "fantasies".
Something irked me this morning. Master told me that he didn't think I has in good enough shape to go on this fasting thing. I think I am... I'm in good health. A tad overweight... but other then that... I'm fine.
I have to email the ferret today. I don't know what to say to him. I still
have no idea what Master wants from him. I don't know what Master's plans are. I can't even comprehend daily life with Master, ferret & me. I don't even know what Master wants from me.
It has occured to me that Master never calls me, "boy". Whenever he calls me by name its always, "Patrick". 99% of them time its the implied "you". As in, "Good morning, (you)" or "(You) get me some coffee." In my daydreams, I'm always called boy... or affectionatly "little boy". I may be asking for too much here. Master is not a Daddy... so I doubt he'd be willing to call me his little boy. He'd find it disturbing.
Posted by piw1974
at 12:07 PM ADT