Well, the fasting diet thingie didn't work out. I felt miserable. I've fasted before and never felt like such crap... I think it was the whacky lemonade drink. From now on, its less food, better food and more exercise.
No Holiday weekend fun for me... Master is still working through the no smokes thing. He's doing real good... no cigs since Saturday night. No patches either. I have faith in him.
Did some bill paying today & yesterday. Did some laundry, but I'm behind. I will do 3-4 loads tomorrow and will be caught up.
Had a good talk with Master last night. It started about ferret but then it wound up being about me. I was saying stuff like I'm not sure ferret is being practical about the situation. I have a strong sense that he's running away from financial woes into a sort of fantasy life as a slave. He seems to really want details (ie, size of the chain used, how much movement allowed, type of buttplugs, etc). I think its to feed his fantasies. I worry that he has been reading too much webcrap like I have and is not going to be happy with Master's particular brand of slavery. Or maybe I'm just jealous. Master is putting ferret on hold for now anyways... we can't have a slave in the current apt. We have to wait til we move into the house.
The talk finally moved to the "I don't know what you want" arena. I didn't quite get the answer I wanted. Maybe I'm being anal here... but a point by point job description would be nice. I think sometimes my ideal situstion (ie Master's boy) and my current situation (ie um... somewhat submissive boy to a mostly Dom guy) and Master's ideal situation (ie whatever that is) won't meld very well. Perhaps my ideal is not attainable by me. Perhaps its not what Master wants anyways. I told him today about how happy I was in the military. I meant it. I had daily orders to follow which were clear cut and have recognizable consequences. I had a strict routine to follow, from when to wake to when to sleep. I had strict rules for engagment in conversation, leaisure... you name it. Yet, I had rights and dignity (well, as much dignity as you can have in Boot Camp). Master cannot recreate that atmosphere, nor do I think I'd want it long term... but its speaks volumes about the type of situation I want.
In the end, I still don't have an answer to my question though.
We did discuss motivation for a little bit. I tried to vocalise what I felt my flaw was. While part of me wants to serve him out of service sake... knowing that the mere act of service pleases him... part of me resents the fact that I've beome a janitor. Lately, the resentful part has been winning. I don't know what to do to fix that. Maybe its a sign that I'm not meant to be a 24/7 boy. Maybe I'm just meant to be a bottom who likes to get tied up and spanked and stuff.
Anyways, I looked for ageplay sites yesterday and to my dismay found only one. A woman wrote about why she did ageplay and I could really identify with her... despite the hetero focus. All the rest of the sites I found were for adult babies or diaper fetish... neither of which interest me. My daydreams have become more and more intense and more frequent. Today on the bus downtown, I was thinking of a scenario with a Daddy... I much have had this huge grin on my face... luckily the bus was empty and noone saw me looking like some dork.