and this was supposed to be a special day?
Mood:  sad
B-Day came and went. It poured rain in the morning. I read a few books at the library... more reno stuff. Andrew came and got me then we went to the grocery store. I had looked around downtown for luch places but in the end decided on making something at home.
Lunch was fine, dinner was OK. The DQ ice cream cake was great.
Alas, no "quality time" for this pup. I knew it was going to happen. Andrew is still trying to quit smoking, so he's not feeling well from that. Then there is work stress.
I was upset but since he was taking the next day off, I figured something might happen. But nothing did. We worked outside and played a little AC. We did snuggle a wee bit but that hardly makes up for 10 months of nothing.

Dave said I ought to leave, and I gave myself this deadline. Now its looming over my head and I'm STILL not sure what to do.

long time coming
Mood:  irritated
OK, so I kinda stopped updating, eh?
We have moved into Tay Tower and are slowly turning it into a real home. Its been almost 10 months since we moved in, but we still haven't gotten a real dining rm table yet. :) The place is OK, needs cosmetic work, but the structure is sound. The area is farmland, I have neighbours but we haven't gotten friendly with very many yet. We'll be the "new folks" for another 10 yrs I suppose.
This summer has been rough on the garden. Cold start, not enough rain has really hurt our crops. The potatoes are fine but only about 50% of the tomatoes are producing. Its not just us though, all over the maritimes this year.

OK... further updates:
Ferret: I had a feeling he wasn't going to work out and I was right. After 2 weeks of not hearing from Andrew, he went and signed a contract with some other Master with whom he had been talking with. When Andrew called it off, ferret kept emailing... both him & me. Annoying little bastard.

My story: never finished part 2. Kept trying to get Andrew involved but he never wanted to. I haven't had the creative push to write more alone.

Andrew: Still on the rocks with him. What he wants from this relationship isn't what I want and it sure ain't what we got. I am about 80% sure he wants a real boy. I just don't excite him anymore. He gets off on his cyber fantasies with guys on gay.com... not me.
My options are limited. I could stay here and be the boyfriend/roommate and hope things get better. I could call up my Mom and see if she'll take me in. Or I could just hit the streets again.
I've started to pack my things, meager as they are. Just some clothes, a few books, CDs and such. I have no idea where Scamp & Sammie will go.

yet another weekly recap...
Finally saw the inside of Elwood on Tuesday. The realtor was 2 hrs late... the place was condemnable. It stank, it had shit everywhere, the plaster was falling off the walls... the place needs to burn to the ground. Needless to say, we aren't buying it. I tried to convince Master that Elwood was bad but I think it took him a while to come to realize how much work would have to go into that place. By the time we returned to F'ton, we had decided no Millville.
Master then went and talked with some relator lady he knows from work... she set up up with Ron. Master thinks Ron is a closet case... I think he just has a weak handshake. Anyways, Master found a few properties from mls and we went to see them on Sat. Tay tower was a winner, Tay Flood Plain was a loser. I really liked the Tower from first glance. Master did too. We put in an offer for 32k (list 39.9k), they countered with 36k, we came back with 35k but they're sticking at 36k. So we said OK. Money will be tight until after we move in. But workable.
Now we have to really discuss ferret. Master has put him off since he can't move into the apt with us... but as of Dec 1 we will have a house. Master & I really need to sit down somewhere and talk about what to do.
Sigh. Another monday went by with no nookie. I thought to get some over the weekend, but I wasn't able to. Damn my lack of T!!! I'm now horny as hell and Master is beyond stressed with the house buying shit.
Small rant here...
Lately I have noticed a shitload of folks writing X-Men slash only to post crap like, "I've never read the comics". What the fuck? How can you write these characters without knowing them? Part of the allure of fan fic is that you already know the people, writers can skip character building and get to the good stuff.
Been stuck on my Logan's Boy story. I have a hard deadline of Nov 15 too. Fuck.

Let's see...
Saturday, Master & I drove to Saint John. He dropped me off at Canadian Tire while he went to his dad's old house to help his mom move in. I immediately ran into Joan (my brother in law's wife), we chatted for a little bit then I strolled the store to kill time. She invited me to lunch so I accepted. From what I do know of Master's family, I'm surprised that Joan is so nice to me... course we only hung out for all of 30 mins or so.
After leaving Saint John, we drove to Millville again. We tried to figure out the property line, there is a mature apple tree that we're not sure if its on the property or the neighbour's.
Early Sunday we went out shopping. Eggers at A&W then a trip to Canadian Tire, but it was only 9:30. Master wanted to go to the Co-op so we drove there, but it didn't open til noon. So back to Cdn Tire it was. We got a icescraper and looked around and tools & stuff. I suggested going to Super store but Master really wanted to go to the Co-op. So it was off to the mall to kill time. Finally we made it to the co-op at noon. Signed up and all (the lady was very nice and didn't bat an eye at giving to guys a household membership). We had to run through the store since we had to go to Moncton. Master's company has a new employee and he was suckered into driving the 4 hr round trip taxi service. I came along as "navigator". The new guy was ultra boring. We wound up going to the Dip for buffet... which sat like lead on my tummy.
Side note... Master made a comment yesterday. He asked me to take the coffee cups from the cup holder. I said "you didn't drink all yours" then put them into the plastic bag in the back. He was like, "You didn't spill that, did you." I'm like, "No. I put it in the bag" He was worried that I put a full cup in there... when it was only maybe a quarter full. I know better then to messup Master's new SUV. He said something like, "For a submissive, you're awfully snarky." Or something like that. All I could think of to say was "Because I'm right."
Hrm... what would Ideal boy (TM) say? Meekyl bow his head and say, "Yes, Sir. Whatever you say, Sir"? Bah. Maybe I should be happy being Slightly-less- then-Ideal boy (TM)

was scanning CNN just now and saw a headline about a car crash that may or may not be hazing related. Thinking to myself... "Huh... hazing in a car?" I clicked on it. Lo and behold... it took place at my alma mater, Plymouth State. Seems a sority had piled 10 girls into a SUV... blindfolded some of them then went on a high speed joyride through the backwoods. Been there, done that... sans blindfold. Lots of hills, curves and whatnot. The driver kept swerving and yanking the wheel to make things worse for the blindfolded girls. They were probably drunk and throwing up too. One girl died from being thrown from the car.
Darwin's law I suppose.

This weather fucking sucks. It snowed on Tuesday... a wet, slushy snow. It rained yesterday then turned to wet snow. Plus, it was windy and cold. Today its raining again. Its too warm to haul out the winter jacket & boots, but its too cold for my normal fall stuff.
I got really miffed at Master last night. He likes to watch Judge Judy. I cannot stand that show. I see it along the lines of laughing at the drunk on the corner or kicking a homeless guy. Soooo not classy.
He was like, "did you hear that? did you hear that?" I wanted to say, "No, I'm trying my fucking best to ignore your stupid white trash bullshit TV show!" But I said nothing. He got upset I think.
The apt. was cold, so I took my book into the bedroom to read. He came in later, read a bit then kept drifting off to sleep. Thats bad news, cuz he'll be over tried in the morning. He should aim for 9pm atleast not 7:30.
Davis kept waking me up all night, so between 3 and 5:30 or so I was wide awake. The alarm went off at 6 but I was way too tired to get up. Master said "Go put on the water for tea" and I said "What do I get if I do?" Good morning, Mr. Passive-Agressive. Needless to say, I didn't get up until 7:30 and Master was upset.
Dentist appointment today... was for Mon the 3rd but it got moved up.

Hrm... a weekly recap is in store here...
We picked up the 4Runner last Wed. night. Its bigger then I thought, I'm dreading having to drive it, my scant driving experience is mostly in little cars. Master likes it though, or at least now he does. Took him a day or two to get used to it.
I miss our walks from Master's workplace to the bus station. Not only was it a breath of fresh air, but it allowed us to discuss stuff. We can't have a decent conversation at home... the PCs offer too many distractions. Still, we can talk in the car... and go places.
Drove to Millville on Sat. and looked at Elwood. Its not as pleasant as in the pictures but doable. Spooky House was just that... spooky. It looks like its going to fall backwards into the brook. The Farm was on a dirt road... which I vetoed. Getting through that in the spring would be hell. So it looks like we're counting on Elwood. Master has applied for a mortgage and we're waiting to hear back. I'm excited to move, but its will mean a loss of DSL and the library. I'll manage I suppose.
Saturday night was a good night for me. Master was IMing ferret and I went to lie down. I must have dozed off because I was woken but the covers being peeled back. I wasn't quite awake but after Master started playing with my ass I was. It was a great fuck. 'Cept he kept stopping and starting... he brought me to edge, I dunno, 3 maybe 4 times before I came. I kept whimpering at him everytime he stopped. I thought I was going to go insane. He told me he had made a decision about me & ferret. ferret is going to come and I was going to be the houseboy. He laid down a few new rules: no staying in bed after the alarm, and call him Sir. He also said that after we moved into the house he'd belt me if I disobeyed and that he'd have ferret watch. While I understand the need for punishment, having ferret watch is pure humilation... all part of the plan I suppose. I promised to be a good boy... and I'm trying to live up to that promise.
Its kinda tough calling him Sir though... I'm used to not calling him anything but Andrew. I refer to him here as Master, but I don't always think of him in that way. He hasn't really bothered to correct me on it either. I'm still kinda bratty... maybe he's OK with that.
Happy note: I found this radio interview with Billy Lane. He's my new hero. He's an FTM who won Mr. Seattle Leather in '98. And he's fucking hot as hell.
I wrote more of my Logan's boy series yesterday. I think chap. 2 will be a talker between Kurt & Logan on the nature of SM and Logan's need to be Dominant. Not too much sex there, its more of a explanation to my vanilla readers. Chap. 3 will be another talker between Logan & Remy. I think this is where I'm going to have Remy open up about his fears as a submissive. The whole emasculating effect and stuff. Chap.4 will feature a turning point in the relationship and some hot mansex. My deadline is Nov 15th so I can submit the whole thing for the Adamantium Awards. I have read some of the early submissions and I think I have a decent shot.
I have a dentist appointment coming up. I hate going to the dentist cuz I'm lazy about brushing and it shows. Its for the best though since I need to get work done.

Well, the fasting diet thingie didn't work out. I felt miserable. I've fasted before and never felt like such crap... I think it was the whacky lemonade drink. From now on, its less food, better food and more exercise.
No Holiday weekend fun for me... Master is still working through the no smokes thing. He's doing real good... no cigs since Saturday night. No patches either. I have faith in him.
Did some bill paying today & yesterday. Did some laundry, but I'm behind. I will do 3-4 loads tomorrow and will be caught up.
Had a good talk with Master last night. It started about ferret but then it wound up being about me. I was saying stuff like I'm not sure ferret is being practical about the situation. I have a strong sense that he's running away from financial woes into a sort of fantasy life as a slave. He seems to really want details (ie, size of the chain used, how much movement allowed, type of buttplugs, etc). I think its to feed his fantasies. I worry that he has been reading too much webcrap like I have and is not going to be happy with Master's particular brand of slavery. Or maybe I'm just jealous. Master is putting ferret on hold for now anyways... we can't have a slave in the current apt. We have to wait til we move into the house.
The talk finally moved to the "I don't know what you want" arena. I didn't quite get the answer I wanted. Maybe I'm being anal here... but a point by point job description would be nice. I think sometimes my ideal situstion (ie Master's boy) and my current situation (ie um... somewhat submissive boy to a mostly Dom guy) and Master's ideal situation (ie whatever that is) won't meld very well. Perhaps my ideal is not attainable by me. Perhaps its not what Master wants anyways. I told him today about how happy I was in the military. I meant it. I had daily orders to follow which were clear cut and have recognizable consequences. I had a strict routine to follow, from when to wake to when to sleep. I had strict rules for engagment in conversation, leaisure... you name it. Yet, I had rights and dignity (well, as much dignity as you can have in Boot Camp). Master cannot recreate that atmosphere, nor do I think I'd want it long term... but its speaks volumes about the type of situation I want.
In the end, I still don't have an answer to my question though.
We did discuss motivation for a little bit. I tried to vocalise what I felt my flaw was. While part of me wants to serve him out of service sake... knowing that the mere act of service pleases him... part of me resents the fact that I've beome a janitor. Lately, the resentful part has been winning. I don't know what to do to fix that. Maybe its a sign that I'm not meant to be a 24/7 boy. Maybe I'm just meant to be a bottom who likes to get tied up and spanked and stuff.
Anyways, I looked for ageplay sites yesterday and to my dismay found only one. A woman wrote about why she did ageplay and I could really identify with her... despite the hetero focus. All the rest of the sites I found were for adult babies or diaper fetish... neither of which interest me. My daydreams have become more and more intense and more frequent. Today on the bus downtown, I was thinking of a scenario with a Daddy... I much have had this huge grin on my face... luckily the bus was empty and noone saw me looking like some dork.

Man, have I been slacking or what?
Anyways, precious little has happened... this is a good thing.
I'm on a diet of sorts. Its partially inspired by Master's finding of this "fasting" thing and partially due to a lack of cash to buy lots of food. I think I need it though. I need to lose around 20 lbs to be at a healthy weight. So I'm drinking this Greens+ stuff and have reduced my caloric intake by a whole heck of a lot. Yesterday, I was very tired. Plus, I had a headache. Probably from the caffeine withdrawal. Either way... it sucked. I felt miserable.
A funny thing happened last night. I asked Master if he was going to email ferret. He said yes and was going to say something like he wasn't feeling well and thus wasn't going to stay up to chat with him. I said... "no... tell him you are going to have wild, mindless sex with your boy!" He laughed. Then I said, "Even though it seems like I'm suggesting it...You may not believe this... but I'm not in the mood." He looked shocked. While my mind was all for it... my body said "no way!".
I did wake up horny again though, had some good Daddy/boy dreams again. Hopefully I'll feel better today as will Master and we will have some fun this holiday weekend.

Mom is home now, she wound up leaving early since she decided to split the return drive into 2 days. I don't mind though. I ran out of things to do with her. Its not tourist season so most of the nifty things in the area are closed... what remains doesn't interest her. Still the drive down to the coast was pretty cool and she liked seeing the tides at the Bay of Fundy. I got a wee bit stressed over her driving... she's overly cautious and has a terrible sense of direction.
But thats over now.
Its odd that we didn't really talk much. We've never connected before, so I suppose I should be cooncerned. We did talk about Collin & Kristen as well as Richard. I think she would like for Collin & I to reconnect with Richard someday. I told her that I made all the attempts I was going to back in Boston, its now up to him to reestablish the connection with his kids... not me.
I read my weekly dose of comics this week and got a tad depressed by one of them. This guy has had tonnes of shit dumped on him all his life, he reacts with anger now sense he's so used to it. But then he finds a team and starts to be more "human". But he screws up... big time. He knows it and continues to punish himself for it. He wants the team, his new family, to like him... but he also thinks he's not worthy of it.
Stories like that I can identify with. I want acceptance but I've been shoved around so much that I tend to shy away from those who might really care for me. Sometimes I wonder why Master keeps me around. He'll be mad at me for this, but its true. I wonder what I have done to earn his love... cuz I can't think of it. There I times I know he hates me, that he is disappointed in me, that he wishes I hadn't latched on to him.
I haven't always done the right thing.
Master says he'll never hit me... that thats abuse not SM. I guess I'm just used to it. I guess I also see it as a form of caring. If he cared whether or not I did my assigned chores. Its like how my Mom wa sin high school... she didn't give a damn if I got As or Ds. She was too busy with other crap. No wonder I almost flunked out... wheres the motivation? It should come from me... but I guess I just don't have any. Maybe I am just asking for a beating. I haven't lost that desire... which is bit odd... normally these self-destructive periods last a week or two. This one seems to be going on 1 month now. Maybe I see pain as cathartic. I wonder about my emtional state sometimes. Its not like this gets in my way... I can still function. I don't feel like hurting anyone else. I don't feel like killing myself. I just want a little pain.
Anyways, I know I won't get it from Master... I'll just have to ride it out. Maybe my fantasies will tide me over. They're gotten very rough as of late. I find it odd that they make me so hard when I don't think I would do those types of things in reality. I guess thats why we call them "fantasies".
Something irked me this morning. Master told me that he didn't think I has in good enough shape to go on this fasting thing. I think I am... I'm in good health. A tad overweight... but other then that... I'm fine.
I have to email the ferret today. I don't know what to say to him. I still have no idea what Master wants from him. I don't know what Master's plans are. I can't even comprehend daily life with Master, ferret & me. I don't even know what Master wants from me.
It has occured to me that Master never calls me, "boy". Whenever he calls me by name its always, "Patrick". 99% of them time its the implied "you". As in, "Good morning, (you)" or "(You) get me some coffee." In my daydreams, I'm always called boy... or affectionatly "little boy". I may be asking for too much here. Master is not a Daddy... so I doubt he'd be willing to call me his little boy. He'd find it disturbing.